diello | A Child's Wedding Dress

Clean At Last

hear: my walls are closing in
see: between pluto and god

Fuck my goddamn twice-a-week rule. Things go on more than twice a week and I lost my written journal and if I don't say what went on, I'll forget it until I have no way of writing it down at all! I need to regain that control someday.

Vertex happened Thursday. I got sloshed with Sam, Frank and Dave. Brian was there, too. He went to the titty bar with us after the club. And then after that, Keys, where unspeakable, yet hilarious acts ensued in the loo, and then we went to get my car. Frank drove it home, but only after PISSING ON THE DOOR. Love, that is. That's what it's all about!

Met with Kelly and the boys at the dirt theater and saw Harry Potter 3 with them. Yak yak yak! That's all Charles did! Adam1 nearly behaved, but he was encouraged by Charles. Kelly's first date with Adam2 went semi-smoothly, but then the night didn't end. And I got dragged along. By the end of the night, I was given a painful bump on the head after Adam1 put me in a sleeper hold and I would have been fine if I could breathe through my nose, but this darn cold... next thing I knew, I was passed out on the ground. I remember things going black and trying to control my left leg which was twitching violently and uncontrolably. Pretty scary. It's okay, though. He didn't mean it. He also didn't mean to bean Kelly in the eye with hard pizza crust. She's got a shiner and a newfound hatred for him now. And Kelly, who I always have to drag out, dragged me out until 11am the next day!! I got my night's sleep while she hung out at the lake and cafe. I slept in the car. Those were the days.

I've been having long meditations on my life recently. I think I may have become something I have always been afraid of becoming, and I don't know if I can turn back. Writing will be happening tonight or tomorrow to see if I can get these revelations down in real words. At least I've showered away the recent dirt and I can honestly say I really feel clean right now. I think I needed that (of course, I hadn't been home in days and desperately needed a shower anyway). I hope I'll be able to find myself and my way out of Hell.

The webpage was barely updated. I just blogged on the main page about why I didn't update all month. Short. Stupid. I've gotta get with it. I haven't been motivated to work on my art in a long time. There's so many possible reasons for what's going on in my head, but first I've got to figure out what's going on in my head. I may need help.

I miss Tom and I want to write to him. I want him to write to me. I want to send him a postcard telling him I love him and I miss him so much, but what if those aren't my truest feelings? I want to tell him everything, but I'm afraid. Why hasn't he written back yet, I wonder...

I got a gmail account. sitboaw(blip)gmail(blop)com. My dominate account is still my y! (boiled_mother).

I'm tired. I want to go far far away right now. I want help.

true friends don't let oceans keep them apart, they just become better swimmers. ~