Honey in my Gears

1. Blueberries

2. Seeing a grown man cry.
Even if he deserves whatever it was that brought him to such a pathetic state, it is still the most painful thing I can watch. Because men don't cry. They just don't. And when they do, you know they're at their lowest moment, and it's just very sad. There's a commercial that airs on tv, where they show a man cry out of pure despair for just a split second, but it breaks my heart every time I see it.

Conversely, Alan Rickman has tried crying in some movies, and he simply cannot do it convincingly.
Relatedly, hey Jenny! I finally got Snow Cake, and I loved it!

*Shortest relationship ever, and second-most painful*

We met at Vamp Tag where I told him I had a boyfriend.
The next week, he talked me into coffee at Jay's. We went back to his place afterwards to play videogames. I liked that very much.

The week after, he stole me from Alan. I had monstrous cramps, so I didn't sleep with him, but I wanted to. And after that, I began pushing Alan out of the picture, telling Paul I wanted to wait until he was gone.

We didn't wait, but I kept pushing Alan away even before he left for Oregon.

He conquered me by telling me things every girl wants to hear. That I'm beautiful, that I'm perfect. That he wanted to keep me forever... So many sweet and touching things.

And they were all lies. Everything. He sweet-talked me into bed and now that he's had me, he doesn't want me anymore.

Heather told me he did the same thing to her and other girls. Exactly the same.

"He told you he wanted to be with you forever?" yeah.
"You guys watched movies every night and it turned into something else?" yeah.
"He said he's never felt so comfortable talking to someone as he does with you?" yeah.
yeah.

He steals girls away from whoever, sleeps with them, tells them he wants to be with them forever, and then fucks them up.

The only thing Paul said to me after everything is that I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I started dating him and that he wasn't monogamous. So many happy couples are monogamous... I thought I could be part of one. I was wrong, and if what Gene insinuates is really true, I will never ever find a monogamous lover.

The worst part about this is that I really liked him. And I miss him. For some reason, knowing everything he told me was a lie isn't helping me miss him less. We had so much in common, even his best friend was surprised.

From now on, I'm telling people I'm straight. I'll never tell anyone I'm bi again unless they are prepared to know and NOT assume that I want a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. I don't want a girlfriend.

This is where I say I've never been good enough for anyone. But I won't, because I'll get harped on.

I no longer know which of them I can trust. This all hurts so much.



( comments from a deleted post regarding this post )

I'm here to apologize the hell out of mayhem613 for not going today. Jon never mentioned to me that it wasn't him giving me a ride, it was Lindsay giving us a ride, and when I got there, he casually mentioned that Lindsay wanted gas money. He guessed he should have mentioned that before. He guessed. I had to look away as my eyes welled up with tears. I said then I couldn't go. And I didn't. I left seconds afterward, crying a little, and very upset. I hardly had enough money to get myself home, which was the last place I wanted to be, but the only place I could go. Without my phone list, being in Rochester is a lost cause. It was bad enough that my car was overheating as if it, too, hated me.

And yes I believe in what we had
But words got in the way
And only yesterday
As I was leaving
Lord knows I've tried to say but I've
Heard a million conversations
Going where they've been before
Seen the way that careful lingers
Undecided at the door

And all I know for sure
All I know for real
Is knowing doesn't mean so much
When placed against the feeling
The heat inside
When bodies meet
When fingers touch

All my words are secondhand and
Useless in the face of this
Rationale and rhyme and reason
Pale beside a single kiss
And I've heard so many things I
Fail to understand at all
I'd settle anytime for
Unknown footsteps in the hall outside

Because the world is cruel and
Promises are broken
Don't try to tell me
Anything don't try to tell me
You'll be true to me you know the
Real truth is never spoken
And I know the world is cold but
If you hold on tight to what you
Find you might not mind too much though
Even this must pass away and
Memories may last for years but
Names are just for souvenirs
Some kind of angel let me
Look into your eyes

Don't give me whys and wherefores
Reason or surprise
I don't care for words that don't belong
And I don't care what you're called
Tell me later if at all
I can wait a long long time
Before I hear another love song

Come here I think you're beautiful
My door is open wide
Some kind of angel come inside

that last part is what makes me happy