super depressed
Jul. 26th, 2004 07:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dielloI don't even have to look outside to know it's shitty weather. I can feel when it is because I wake up and don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to the bathroom because I don't want to deal with running into anyone on the way... Why can't rochester get a break?
There is something I can do. I can run away. I don't want to hear that 'running away won't solve anything' because that's just not true. The first time I ran away, my life was never better. I had lots of friends around me all the time, a job I loved, and could run my own life. I could do anything and be anybody. I could work on my art without being told to get a job. I could walk anywhere for five minutes and see signs of life. I was encouraged to do the things I wanted to do.
Here, I have nowhere I can just walk to. I have no one I can call without ringing up the phone bill. I am shunned and discouraged in everything I want to do (unless it includes the college of mum's choice). I can't get any help. Whenever dad comes home, I can't be in the house. And everyone in this house makes me feel like a complete burden to them.
I ruined mum's life by being born, and don't anyone say any different. Look where this family is right now. All because she had a kid. Before she had me, she was all set to go travel and study art in europe. She was going to be a teacher. She never let me forget that Nichole was her favorite, too. Not one day would she ever let me think she liked me as much as she liked her. She's better at everything and she's got mum's support all the way. And people wonder why I don't want to share what little fun I manage to come across.
Now my options are: Brooks College in Long Beach CA, the most expensive state on earth (that is, if I can get all the financial aid and whatnot I need). Ohio (the only other place I know people, lots of opportunities, friends, family, really cheap living) or suck it up and be miserable in palmyra while trying to make it back to Rochester.
I know what you're thinking. I'll probably be miserable no matter where I go. But at least I wont be miserable at the beginning of the change.
If only the forces of nature would let me do something with my life without interfering.
There is something I can do. I can run away. I don't want to hear that 'running away won't solve anything' because that's just not true. The first time I ran away, my life was never better. I had lots of friends around me all the time, a job I loved, and could run my own life. I could do anything and be anybody. I could work on my art without being told to get a job. I could walk anywhere for five minutes and see signs of life. I was encouraged to do the things I wanted to do.
Here, I have nowhere I can just walk to. I have no one I can call without ringing up the phone bill. I am shunned and discouraged in everything I want to do (unless it includes the college of mum's choice). I can't get any help. Whenever dad comes home, I can't be in the house. And everyone in this house makes me feel like a complete burden to them.
I ruined mum's life by being born, and don't anyone say any different. Look where this family is right now. All because she had a kid. Before she had me, she was all set to go travel and study art in europe. She was going to be a teacher. She never let me forget that Nichole was her favorite, too. Not one day would she ever let me think she liked me as much as she liked her. She's better at everything and she's got mum's support all the way. And people wonder why I don't want to share what little fun I manage to come across.
Now my options are: Brooks College in Long Beach CA, the most expensive state on earth (that is, if I can get all the financial aid and whatnot I need). Ohio (the only other place I know people, lots of opportunities, friends, family, really cheap living) or suck it up and be miserable in palmyra while trying to make it back to Rochester.
I know what you're thinking. I'll probably be miserable no matter where I go. But at least I wont be miserable at the beginning of the change.
If only the forces of nature would let me do something with my life without interfering.
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-26 06:33 pm (UTC)<3
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Date: 2004-07-26 07:43 pm (UTC)<3
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Date: 2004-07-26 07:40 pm (UTC)<3
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Date: 2004-07-26 07:46 pm (UTC)^__^
*huggles*
<3
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Date: 2004-07-31 09:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-01 05:44 pm (UTC)*hugs*