Status. by Brie Williams

(a transcript of my favourite episode of the podcast Getting On with James Urbaniak)

This is my personal space. It is mine. It is a place for me to share my beliefs, my opinions, my thoughts. I own this space. It is not public. It's not for you. I share it with you, yes, but it's personal. All I am asking is that you please be respectful of my space.

It's a lot like my house, or my car. If you're riding in my car, please do not turn on the heater without asking me. I am driving. I need the cold night air on my face to drive alertly. It's two in the morning. I need to stay alert. Do you wanna die? No? Then put on a sweater.

Please do not change the radio station. Do you even know how entitled that shit is? I'm giving you a ride! I only had three drinks tonight so that I could get us home safely, because you don't even own a car! We will listen to KXLU, because I think the college DJs are hilarious! I like to hear them say hilarious dumbass college kid hipster shit, like "I'm feeling things, you know? just going through life, feeling, emotions, I'm a person, wow," or "isn't toast weird? I had toast today and it was pretty mind-blowing." It's entertaining! It helps me drive. This is my car. If you don't like the temperature or the things I listen to, surely you can find another ride.

Similarly, if you don't like what I post here, please do us both a favor and just unfriend me. Don't comment about how you think it's stupid. Don't pick a fight with one of my friends that you don't even know. Don't make some jokey comment about something that I'm clearly serious about. And if I'm making a joke, don't like someone else's joke comment without liking my original joke. That shit is fucked up. It's not polite. If you find yourself doing that shit, please unfriend me. You are a rude person.

If you disagree with something I feel strongly about, even if you don't comment on it or vocalize it, please unfriend me. The issue is too important for me to sustain decenters in my life.

If you don't understand what I'm talking about, please unfriend me. If you don't read the news, please unfriend me. If you believe something that is obviously and scientifically untrue, please. Unfriend. Me.

It's nothing personal. I just can't handle idiots in my life right now. It's called being an adult. It's called taking responsibility for your own life and the people that populate it.

If you have a strong opinion, that is the opposite of my opinion, that's perfectly fine, but please, just save us the heartache and annoyance and unfriend me now. We can agree to disagree, we can agree that we no longer need to be in each other's lives. Take some initiative. Set us both free. I am not trying to censor you. Your thoughts just have no place in my posts, or the modern world, that's all I'm trying to say. I completely respect you as a person. You are making the world a worse place.

If I post about how much I loved Jake Gyllanhal's performance in Nightcrawler, and how it was the ultimate Oscar snub of the year, don't use that as an opportunity to breeze through and comment about how you thought he was "just okay." How is that constructive? Don't scatter your opinions around my page like breadcrumbs. I'll tell you right now, you can't use that shit to find your way back into my friends list. Don't say some lame-ass troll shit and then claim that I am unwilling to engage in debate. There is a difference between respectable debate and being an asshole. I know the difference. You know the difference. Don't pretend that you don't. Don't be an asshole! You're being an asshole! I don't want to be friends with an asshole! You probably think I'm an asshole too. So do us both a favor. Win-win!

What I really want to know is, why you are even in my life in the first place? Did I friend request you? Did you request me? How are you even here? I don't even remember. Who even are you?

Oh that's right. I remember. We met in line at a film festival and spoke one time.

We met on OK Cupid and weren't into each other but didn't dislike each other.

You're a friend of a friend I met at a party.

You're in a band I like.

You're a stranger from the internet that liked a podcast episode that I wrote, and I liked that you liked me, so I accepted your request. I never liked you as a person, but thought you could further my career.

You're my former employer.

Former co-worker.

Former classmate that I never really hung out with, even back then.

You're my friend's ex-girlfriend, and you broke up, like, five years ago.

You're my mom's friend.

You're my friend's mom.

You're someone I grew up with that I no longer have anything in common with.

You saved my life once. I don't even know you that well, but, we were all swimming at the beach, and I got caught in a current, and you saved me from drowning. And didn't even make a big deal about it. But honestly, we barely even hung out again after that.

You lived next door to my grandparents, and we were in love for an entire summer, til your mom made us break up after she caught us kissing while watching Scooby Doo. My grandparents moved away, and that was that. I've never even messaged you directly as an adult.

You went to prom with me, though someone you liked more asked you later on, because you had said yes to me first, and you knew how much I liked you, and you're a nice person like that. You've always been a nice person. You seem happy now. Your views on gun control are abhorrent.

We were childhood best friend.

We watched our first porn together and felt really weird about it.

We got bullied together, so it didn't seem that bad.

We put a snake in one of the freshmen cheerleaders' hoodies, and she cried, and we felt terrible about it afterwards.

We got high in the cemetery on Halloween and sat up in the trees freaking each other out til one of us fell and got hurt, and we laughed so hard that one of us threw up. I don't even remember who did which now.

I had a crush on you for years, and never told you, and it was torture. When we hung out, you would tell me about all the other people you had crushes on and asked for advice. I gave you bad advice on purpose.

You never like any of the important life events that I post, even though I know you're online and you can see them.

You crashed my high school graduation party and we randomly became really close after that.

Your family had money, and we would drive around in a borrowed convertible and get root beer floats, and I would skip work at my pizza parlor job, and we kissed once, or maybe we didn't - but we wanted to. Where do you even live now? You're constantly posting stuff in another language. You post things like a bunch of kanji with a picture of the Pink Panther dancing. How am I supposed to understand you now?

We got pregnant. It was a disaster. We got past it.

You got into weird religious stuff.

I watched the same movie over and over with you after you had brain surgery, because you kept forgetting what movie we'd just watched. I didn't have the heart to tell you. I just wanted you to be happy.

You stayed calm when I had my first asthma attack, and I'd never felt closer to death, and I'd never felt closer to anyone in my life, and I loved you so much in that moment, and I burst into tears after I could breath again.

You came out to me before you came out to anybody else.

You taught me how to play guitar.

You taught me how to drive stick.

We had a ouija board experience once. Neither of us will ever tell anyone else about it.

We had mind-alteringly good sex for months. It changed the way I look at sex.

You taught me how to ride a bike.

You taught me how to read.

You taught me I deserve to be happy.

I helped you get sober.

You proposed to me.

We traveled around Canada together. We laughed about how jelly donuts are called "jam busters" there.

We saw a pawn shop burn to the ground one night on East Hastings Street.

You were my tenth grade algebra teacher. You introduced me to The Clash and made me like math for the first time.

You're one of my biggest heroes. I can't even believe the things you've been through.

I'm one of your biggest heroes. I'll never realize it.

You're my first mentor.

I wrote you a poem once.

I got angry at you and we didn't speak for two years, but it wasn't your fault.

You're my best friend.

You're my oldest friend.

We watch Mad Men on Sundays.

You're my sixteen year old cousin.

I stood up at your wedding.

You're the doctor who delivered me.

You're my partner in crime.

You're my role model.

You're my sister.

You're my mom.

I loved you.





I love you.

What I'm trying to say is, who the fuck even are you? We have nothing in common. What happened to you? You clearly have a problem with me. You don't respect what I'm about. You're a hater. You're a troll. I don't have to take that shit, I'm an adult. I'm a grown-up. Today's a new day. I have complete control over my own life and who I choose to surround myself with. I don't need weak links in my chain. I'm building a strong tomorrow. I'm taking a stance. I'm changing things here and now.

I'm finally ready to take the necessary steps to ensure that I am no longer associating with those who are hellbent on destroying my identity and sabotaging my happiness and openly disagreeing with my opinions.

I'm finally ready to ask you, respectfully, to stop being my friend. Please.

Why won't you stop? Why are you still here? The fact that you refuse to unfriend me is a direct insult. It's a slap in the face. It's an act of war. Haven't you done enough?

You have twenty-four hours to comply.

Please.

Leave.

Why won't you leave? Did you not hear me? I no longer want you in my life. Stop talking to me. I don't want to engage in discussion about it. Please stop wasting my time.

Block me.

Unfriend me.

Please.

Can we please just move on!

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting.



I'm fucking waiting.