Comme des ballons, on est remplis de rêves et d'espoirs. Mais, au fil du temps, une phrase singulaire s'insinue dans nos vies.

Ne sois pas stupide.

C'est le grand destructeur du possibilité. C'est le plus grand défilateur du monde. Le monde est rempli avec personnes intelligentes font toutes sortes choses intelligentes. C'est intelligent. Alors, on est avec stupide!

Stupide est la poursuite incessante d'une vie sans regret. Intelligent peut avoir la cervelle, mais stupide a les gosses. Intelligent reconnaît les choses pour ce qu'ils sont. Stupide reconnaît les choses pour sur leur potentiel. Intelligent critique. Stupide crée.

En fait, si on n'avait pas pensé stupides, on n'avait pensé intéressantes rien de tout.

Intelligent peut avoir les plans, mais stupide a les histoires! Intelligent peut avoir l'autorité, mais stupide a une gueule de bois de tous les diables.

Ce n'est pas intelligent à prendre des risques. C'est stupide. Être stupide est pour être courageux. Stupide n'a pas peur d'échouer. Stupide sait qu'il y a les choses pires que l'échec, comme pas même essayer.

Intelligent avait une bonne idée, et cette idée était stupide. Vous ne pouvez pas déjouer stupide. N'essaie même pas. Rappelle-toi, seulement stupide peut être vraiment brillant.

Alors, sois stupide!

Je ne sais pas si je suis une personne mal pour penser que j'ai l'avantage avec WallByrd quand il s'agit de Ron, mais il m'a dit une fois qu'il ne m'aidera pas avec un tour à le studio si nous avons tous deux les ai rejoint. Et puis... ils me voulaient, mais pas lui. J'ai pensé pour lui demander s'il voulait que je vérifie s'ils l'incluaient, mais... je ne sais pas.

D'une part, il était presque cruellement réticent à m'aider. Mais, d'autre part, il est l'un de mes meilleurs amis. Mais il est aussi toujours occupé quand même.

Modifier: Je me sentais mal pour mon schadenfreude. Il est un si bon ami et je l'adore beaucoup.
Je lui ai demandé s'il veut de moi, ils demander de l'impliquer. Il a considéré avant déclinant poliment.

Je déchaîné un minuscule pet hier soir à travail. Le magasin était vide, donc, je n'en ai pas fait tout un plat. Pi lâ, quelqu'un est entré dès que l'odeur a frappé! Sa coche! C'était mauvais. Soudain, c'était bondé, lâ! Tout avant que je puisse chercher un désodorisant. Ben, au moins ils ont présumé que l'un d'eux était à blâmer. ;)

Ever since this year's TCAF where I saw more queer comics and zines than ever before, I've had this idea to create a zine about me and being queer (asexual). I want it to be kinda big, and I've filled a whole page with ideas for what I can include in it. One page doesn't seem like a lot, but it has about 50 ideas and keywords I want to cover, including some definitions, diary entries from my teens and early 20s, conversations I've had, coming out, experiences, and Ace Bingo.

Ideally, I'd like it to be laid out like a true zine, but also like a comic, but also like a journal...?

I guess that's not a descriptor for "ideally" so much as "some ideas I want to work with..." or something. I'm shitty at comics - they take me forever to draw to my satisfaction. But I really want to get better/faster at them, so I really should incorporate them into this project.

I also think I want to go under a pseudonym, or split-pseudonym (stories by Jane St. James, art by Fawndolyn Valentine?) because I'm paranoid my family will find out about it, and not only do I not want them to know my orientation, but I may include some childhood traumas that involve them, and I don't want to kick that hornet's nest. Same goes for my podcast idea about First Times - hosted by Jane, produced by Fawn (working on that eventually - trying to gather more stories to work with).

With 50 or so ideas, I may have it end up being a series. I dunno. Once I get started, I'll know for sure. Step 1 is to gather all my journal & diary entries, and text/messenger conversations. Step 2 is to thumbnail some comics and illustrations. Step 3 is to do a layout of what I want to go where in the book(s).

Writing out that last paragraph kinda got me pumped.

It's gonna help that I plan to finally switch out the office chair I stole from work to replace the kitchen stool I use at my home computer now. Maybe I'll finally get some of that fabled OTHER stuff done (which requires I sit at my computer for long amounts of time), too.

I covered my first Friday shift at the liquor store last week. It was non-stop busy. Right to the end, I had people in my store. One woman kept shouting "do you have this, do you have that, where the reisling at" while I was tending to other customers at the checkout, trying to get everyone the hell out by 9 (at which point, I cannot, by law, sell any more booze). She finally finished looking right at 9, and I was able to get her out lickety-split. What the fuck.

I also covered my first Saturday shift. It was Hell On Motherfucking Wheels. I turned away a record number of people for not having their IDs. Now, I can usually tell when someone's old enough, but I still need to check their IDs if I have even a shred of a doubt, which was recently amplified when I got wind that a nearby liquor store just got slapped with a $7000 fine for getting busted not ID'ing someone who was under 21. So yeah, you look young: you get carded.

I had 3 people yell at me, but I did not falter. One pair gave me such a fright that I sat next to the silent alarm button until they came back with their IDs and left for good after they made their purchase. Fucking shit. Most people who see me, a relatively new face behind the counter, will go get their ID without issue. Some even say, "oh, new face!" and turn right around without thought to get theirs. Unless you come in every day and are friendly to me, I'm not gonna remember your face and I will card you. One girl even came in 5 minutes after closing (I don't lock the door unless I need to during my closing routine, because it's very quick) to ask if she could still buy (after getting her ID). Sorry, darling. Not after 9.

The bigger problem is when there's more than one (usually in couples), and one of them doesn't have their ID - I can't sell to any of them. They try to bargain, "well, he's paying for it!" Or leave then come back together to switch payers, but no. That doesn't work either. And then there's the ones who pitch a fit because they're "in the system," which is a points system based on your phone number - in no way a suitable substitute for a legal identification, as you could give me anyone's number.

And to top it all off, a regular, who is wheelchair-bound and has to tap on the window for his usual drink (as we don't have a ramp), decided to visit me a second time, barely able to get out a sentence to tell me what he wanted, and then I heard from other patrons that he was passed out in his chair outside the shop!!! I'm not supposed to sell liquor to the super-drunk, but it's a rule that generally gets looked over with our kindly regulars. But for fuck's sake. I texted my boss to ask what I should do, and he said to just check if he's breathing, and if not to call 911. When I had a moment between customers (because of course that happened at a busy hour), he was just wheeling across the street, so at least I didn't have a death on that shift.

Today, however, my one usual evening, was extra quiet. That night prompted me to write a sign for the door window that states that I am carding everyone. It may just be because it was slow tonight, but I feel like it works. I hope so, anyway.

I'm trying to pull my shit together health-and-homewise.

I started taking my hormones, but it resulted in two full days of annoying-level dizziness (not like, sickly-level or incapacitating-level, but just to the point where it kept aggravating me whenever I wanted to get up or turn around or whatever). So I had a benedryl before bed, which fixed me in the morning, and stopped taking the medicine. Next time I need to metabolize my estrogen, I'm sticking with JUST those pills, and maybe the D3 pills (I was also taking magnesium citrate, vitex, and kelp pills, which helped with headaches, period regulation, and I forget what the kelp was for... weight? The kelp and magnesium were probably overkill on sodium and iodine, now that I think of it, and my period's been relatively regular lately, so I won't miss 'em).

I still haven't been back to the gym due to Charles's schedule. I do prefer to go during the day, because I lose my energy and will to move around at night. I need to maybe force myself. I was forcing myself to hit the gym when I could before, and it really helped me just do it when the time came. So maybe forcing myself at night will do the same.

Plus, I made a new, better-organized workout chart, and got some new advice from Niki for my workouts - I'd lamented that I didn't feel I was getting any stronger when weight-training, or losing any weight. She asked what I'm working with - specifically, how many reps, and if I'm working til Fail. I said I did recently switch to working til Fail, and I usually failed around 10-20 reps. She shook her head and said "8." I'm supposed to be failing at 8 reps. "So up your weight." And I've gotta work on squats and other leg/core stuff for skating.

Skating is going well! I'm slowly progressing. I finally got a decent stride going, as opposed to the shuffling around I'd been doing for a couple weeks. Niki gave me one tip that really helped. Next time Charles joined us on the ice, I passed the tip onto him and now he laps me! Now I'm determined to pick up speed!

I've been told I'll feel skating in the morning, but I never ever do. I never feel sore after skating, but Sunday, I finally started feeling it in the front of my thighs. That's because I experimented with skating backwards, leaning into my turns more, and picking up speed! Just gotta practice stopping now!


On the home-front, I've been super lazy, but have made a couple new creations. A MerMay mermaid in new watercolours (Winsor & Newton), the sketch-and-inking of a bigger watercolour piece (The Gentleman from Strange & Norrell), and I sewed my own Wonder Woman skate soakers (skate slippers, I call them) for my ice skates. I'm going to make another pair tonight (based on this image, only with the colours being that of the gloves/belt combo).

And at long last, order has been restored to not only my couch, but also my ground-zero-esque disaster of a closet. After many hours of sorting and folding and tossing (and catching up on podcasts), my closet can now be walked into without stepping on mounds of clothes and blankets! I also re-organized my makeup and just killed any idea of me having a "regulars" container, and just threw everything into my tackle box. Also got a pool noodle to cut up and insert into my tall boots, so they don't bend all sloppy-like in my room. Only thing I have left to clean is my desk, which I swear I clean off every week, each time getting more and more difficult to clean.


Next things on my list are trying to secure another skate date with Chalen, finishing my Gentleman portrait, doing a couple fan arts (Yuri on Ice, Death Parade, and maybe Panty & Stocking), and finishing the deep clean of the apartment while it's still officially spring.

[placeholder for photos which I'm unable to get to at the moment due to the annoying fact that a firewall at the new office is blocking access to me posting this entry, and the images I wanted to upload are on my work computer]

I somehow managed to get enough rest between tossing and turning through the night to remain easily awake the whole of Sunday. Probably helped that I had three cups of coffee throughout the day, which doesn't usually help me, but maybe Canadian coffee is just better all around.

First cup came with breakfast at my usual place: the Golden Diner - a little hole-in-the-wall in the midst of Tourist Town, Greek-run with packed breakfast specials. They've changed a lot since I first started coming, though, so it may be time to start looking for another place.

After breakfast, Charles wanted to experience TCAF a bit more, so he headed there and I took the subway to Queen for a little shopping.

I should point out, aside from throwing my usual diet to the wind for this trip, I also stopped taking the subway through Toronto as much as I used to, so hotel-to-Queen was my first go the whole weekend. Mike showed me during Nuit Blanche that Toronto is a lot smaller than I thought, and most of it is really pretty walkable.

First stop on the Queen shopping tour: Black Market. They had a $1 - $10 sale going on throughout the whole store, so I bought a bunch of little things, plus a nice leather jacket! It's a size too small, but I think if I install a zipper (it has buttons), it'll close. I'm really happy with it, and two of the patches I picked up at TCAF will go perfectly on it! I switched from my hoodie to the jacket in the entry way on the way out.

Next stop: NYX to pick up some of their amazing Butter lipstick. It started raining, so I switched back to the hoodie so I could have my hood up. Thankfully, the rain didn't last long, and I ducked into the Dr. Martens store to check out some prices on a nice pair of classics. Too expensive for this trip.

My end goal for the day was Kensington Market, at the end of China Town just off Spadina. I stopped in at a couple random spots on Spadina til I got to Kensington. I hit up Butterfly for my traditional purchase of a grab-bag, ducked in and out of some of the surrounding shops I like, and then explored some of the coffee places Robin and Mike suggested.

Robin said she really likes Moonbean's coffee. The Devil's Brew. Mike said he likes their coffee better, but likes the working environment at Casa Cafe better. So I bought some beans from Moonbean and bought a small cup of coffee at Casa and sat outside at the super cute, but super tiny sitting space on their front deck. I did enjoy the working environment there better - the space was the perfect size for me to draw, but they also serve ice cream, so I had to endure the Mother's Day family crowd screaming for ice cream every few seconds. Really good coffee, though.

When Charles met up with me at Casa, we decided to go back to Moonbean, after I regaled that they do have more sitting space, but it's all chiefly indoors. It was a good decision all around. Though they don't have regular iced coffee (only Cold Brew, which is different), their coffee is pretty good, and their sitting spaces are so much more spacious - for a while, we were the only ones in their back sitting space. People mostly crowded the front and the back patio. It was a nice way to end the day.

But then we endured the traffic of going over to Danforth and finding parking for Messini's - a Greek restaurant that blew us away last year. They were hidden by construction, and the wait for a table was long. I was kind of cranky by the time we got seated, but tried to lose the attitude. The Greek fries were awesome as usual. And I ordered what I got last time - grilled octopus - which didn't blow me away as I thought it would. Next time, we'll probably stick with Sneaky Dee's or Black Bull for our last Toronto meal.

The ride home was pleasant, because we had to go out of the city for Messini's, so we got to see what going into Toronto from the north looked like. Just as breathtaking. We passed through Riverdale, which is all lush and green in contrast to the grey cityscape.

We left Rochester really late. Like, after 4pm. And we had somewhere to be at 8:30pm. And Charles has a knack for getting us caught up at the border (thankfully, it was only a few minutes extra this time around - last time, we were there nearly an hour).

We got to the Masonic Temple right around 8:30. Charles dropped me off and went off to search for a parking spot. The line was nearly a whole block long but moved quickly. I feared I wouldn't be able to get in, even with a ticket, but I made it and found a good balcony seat.

I didn't know what to expect of this. I just saw that Dave McKean is performing with visuals, and it was only $10 (under ten in USD). Turns out, he'd turned his latest comic BLACK DOG into a motion comic for the big screen, and (with his violinist wife and cellist Matthew Sharp) performed music and dialog live, starting at about 9pm. It was beautiful.

During a short break, between the film, and a musical aside at the end, I ran down to the lobby to buy a copy of the book, as we were told he'd only be signing that book afterward. I suspected that'd be my only opportunity to meet him, as opposed to battling a million-mile line at TCAF during the weekend.

I was so close toward the front of the line that he stood right next to me setting up his signing-station, and I jokingly asked "So, how'd you like the show?" and he returned the joke with, "worst nightmare of my life!"

The signings went so fast, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get a picture, but when I came up, I asked while he was signing if I could get a picture with him and my pet rat. Without a flinch, he agreed, not even knowing if I was talking about a real or fake rat (it's fake). I explained that I had Neil Gaiman pose with it, and I'd really like one of him to complete the set. ;)

And now I do!



Day 2 to follow tomorrow...

I managed to secure time for skating on Thursday. Niki can't make it weekdays, but she told me to ask Chalen, and I got brave.

Now I have a skate-date! I'm a little bit nervous, but also super excited! I also have exactly two days to get my skates back from Niki and am unsure as to how I'm going to go about doing that.

Niki was supposed to drop off the skates at this specialist, but he's on vacation this week, so she's taking them over to Hockey World right near where Charles works. Hopefully times will coincide tonight or tomorrow night. I'm really excited to feel those sharpened blades on the ice :)

I've been going strong on my Ketogenic diet for about 9 months now. My starting weight was 235 lbs (106.5 kg). Since August, I've lost nearly 30 pounds (I'm at 207 lbs / 94 kg as of this morning). But I've hit a plateau and have been toggling between 206 and 212 for a few months now, so last week, I finally went back to the gym. I have to force myself sometimes, especially when the weather gets shitty and all I want to do is laze about on the couch.

I switched my routine up just a bit - I used to start with a mile jog on the elliptical, but this time, I figured I should try biking on an incline (set to level 20). I think it does the job, but it's disheartening that I go a mile only a few minutes faster on a bike than on the elliptical, though I do have the incline to slow me down.

I also have three sets of exercises to do for each day I go the gym in a week (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays after work). A mile at the start of every session. Then five machines. I'm not trying to spot-reduce, but I am focusing on my arms. They need strength. Spot reduction would be nice, though. They are carrying major baggage. I tried to make the first day more about arms, with 2-3 arm exercises, 2 leg exercises, and 1-2 core (back or abs) exercises and the second more about legs, with a light third day, but I think the first and third days are arm-heavy, with the second being about even all-around.

Then I change and hit the hydro-massage bed. I only wish they had massage chairs that would get you in the arms, but these beds... oh my god. If you don't know what it is, it's a bed that's covered in a loose covering, and a couple of hoses travel up and down your body in a channel within the bed and shoots a powerful jet of water along each side of your spine, from your neck to your feet and back again. You can control the speed and pressure of the jets on a screen. I'm not gonna lie. When they get there, those jets kinda almost fuck you. But for me, the orgasmic part is right between the shoulders. I hold a lot of stress between my shoulder blades, holy shit.

And of course, I've just decided to add ice skating. I was told I'd really feel it in my feet and shins. I felt it in my feet right after, but there was no residual soreness, like I expected.

I know I need to add stretching to my routine. At least after the sessions, if not every single day.


Hopefully I'll break through my plateau in another week or so. I'd like to have a cheat meal once a month or so without sky-rocketing my weight back up to 212 over one rare sushi date, ya know?